So I had a very busy Monday because my little one is going through a growth spurt and she wont let me leave her side for more than a few minutes so Im sneaking this in while she naps this morning! I read a very thoughtful article yesterday here and it really made me think about how I see myself.
Ever since I hit puberty when I was 12 I had issues with my weight. I was never a heavy person but I truly saw myself that way. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia off and on all through high school and into college. When I met my husband I was extremely sick and underweight. I barely ate anything and was participating in a plethora of unhealthy habits (smoking, drinking, etc.)
When we were dating I was so happy that I forgot all about that stuff and really started to enjoy life. Once I was pregnant we just decided to indulge and allow ourselves to gain as much weight as we wanted (he decided to do it with me so I wouldn't feel bad, what a sweetie!) and so I gained A LOT of weight. my metabolism was so messed up from the eating disorders that before I even got pregnant I had gained 30 pounds and then throughout my pregnancy I gained another 60. So, in one year I gained 90 pounds. (yes, my husband and I met got married and got pregnant all in one year, crazy I know) Now that my daughter is here I am (very) slowly losing the weight and I have to admit its been really hard on me.
Reading that article made me feel terrible! I should not be so worried about how I look. Harmony is going to see me for what I am, her loving mother. I dont ever want her to go through the things I went through and I realize that I am the first role model she is going to have. I want to show her that life is so much more than being thin. Being a mother has really opened my eyes to how I see myself. I look at pictures of me from before and see how thin I was and it is so sad to me because at that time I truly believed I looked fat. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I feel sexy, curvy, and beautiful. But every once in a while I see a picture that my husband took of me and I think "wow, I'm not sexy at all, I look HUGE!" Why do I do that to myself? It's almost like my brain is so used to thinking that way that I can't help it. I let a picture dictate how I feel when on most days I am feeling amazing! My confidence is higher than it ever has been in my life as well as my happiness.
I feel fulfilled on so many different levels, I don't even know that person who was starving before. I want my daughter to be strong and confident and full of self esteem (all of the things I lost when I hit puberty). I understand that puberty is a tough time for everyone and that most girls go through this at that age but I believe it is because of our society and our surroundings. I live in southern California and it is even more superficial here than other places in America. I have to start really focusing on what I say around her and to her. I need to make sure she is reading appropriate books and not watching too much television that would influence her negatively. I am a young mom, and when I was thinking about getting pregnant I didn't think about all of the things I would be worried about as a mom. I always thought I would be the "cool" mom and be super relaxed in my parenting style. Now that that time in my life is here, I see how much more important it is to be a positive role model as well as a friend. The things I went through in my adolescence were serious and life threatening and I dont just mean the eating problems. She is my creation and I have to stay strong for her above all else.
Sorry this is so long winded, I started with one idea and just got so wrapped up in my feelings. But, this is my blog and I choose to be personal. Women are beautiful and we run the world! Let's start believing that and showing our children what life is really about - family, happiness, truth, freedom - forget the outer candy coated shell.