Mama Monday (on a Tuesday....woops!)

So I had a very busy Monday because my little one is going through a growth spurt and she wont let me leave her side for more than a few minutes so Im sneaking this in while she naps this morning! I read a very thoughtful article yesterday here and it really made me think about how I see myself.

Ever since I hit puberty when I was 12 I had issues with my weight. I was never a heavy person but I truly saw myself that way. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia off and on all through high school and into college. When I met my husband I was extremely sick and underweight. I barely ate anything and was participating in a plethora of unhealthy habits (smoking, drinking, etc.)

When we were dating I was so happy that I forgot all about that stuff and really started to enjoy life. Once I was pregnant we just decided to indulge and allow ourselves to gain as much weight as we wanted (he decided to do it with me so I wouldn't feel bad, what a sweetie!) and so I gained A LOT of weight. my metabolism was so messed up from the eating disorders that before I even got pregnant I had gained 30 pounds and then throughout my pregnancy I gained another 60. So, in one year I gained 90 pounds. (yes, my husband and I met got married and got pregnant all in one year, crazy I know) Now that my daughter is here I am (very) slowly losing the weight and I have to admit its been really hard on me.

Reading that article made me feel terrible! I should not be so worried about how I look. Harmony is going to see me for what I am, her loving mother. I dont ever want her to go through the things I went through and I realize that I am the first role model she is going to have. I want to show her that life is so much more than being thin. Being a mother has really opened my eyes to how I see myself. I look at pictures of me from before and see how thin I was and it is so sad to me because at that time I truly believed I looked fat. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I feel sexy, curvy, and beautiful. But every once in a while I see a picture that my husband took of me and I think "wow, I'm not sexy at all, I look HUGE!" Why do I do that to myself? It's almost like my brain is so used to thinking that way that I can't help it. I let a picture dictate how I feel when on most days I am feeling amazing! My confidence is higher than it ever has been in my life as well as my happiness.

I feel fulfilled on so many different levels, I don't even know that person who was starving before. I want my daughter to be strong and confident and full of self esteem (all of the things I lost when I hit puberty). I understand that puberty is a tough time for everyone and that most girls go through this at that age but I believe it is because of our society and our surroundings. I live in southern California and it is even more superficial here than other places in America. I have to start really focusing on what I say around her and to her. I need to make sure she is reading appropriate books and not watching too much television that would influence her negatively. I am a young mom, and when I was thinking about getting pregnant I didn't think about all of the things I would be worried about as a mom. I always thought I would be the "cool" mom and be super relaxed in my parenting style. Now that that time in my life is here, I see how much more important it is to be a positive role model as well as a friend. The things I went through in my adolescence were serious and life threatening and I dont just mean the eating problems. She is my creation and I have to stay strong for her above all else.

Sorry this is so long winded, I started with one idea and just got so wrapped up in my feelings. But, this is my blog and I choose to be personal. Women are beautiful and we run the world! Let's start believing that and showing our children what life is really about - family, happiness, truth, freedom - forget the outer candy coated shell.

Motherhood - And getting back on my feet!

On April 15 our little baby girl Harmony May was born. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced as well as the most difficult and rewarding! My husband was the most amazing partner through it all and I couldn't be more grateful for all of his help and support. He was with me and the baby at home for the first month and so we went through the highs and the lows together all day every day for 4 weeks and it was intense! (Thanks for putting up with these hormones babe ;])

It has now been a little over 7 weeks since she was born and I'm finally starting to get the hang of this stay at home mom thing. I am determined to get a routine established so I can start doing some more things for me! The more she grows the more she wants to be stimulated and so it is very hard to get much accomplished throughout the day. I want to start making this blog more of a priority so hopefully I can stick to it. 

With my new life brings all kinds of new ideas and goals for myself. I would like to use the time I do get for me being productive with creative projects and crafts. I will be using this blog to share my ideas, projects, and thoughts on motherhood. I am thrilled about being a stay at home mom and raising this beautiful baby girl. We are so blessed! I couldn't be happier or more in love with her, my husband, and this life I get to live!

Update - Pregnancy

I am now almost 33 weeks pregnant and I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the ups and downs I have experienced so far.

Pregnancy has been the most intense experience I have ever been through in my life. It is not only physically tiring but emotionally as well. Of course, I knew going into this that it was going to be hard but I never knew/imagined it would be like this.
In the beginning, I was an emotional wreck. My hormones were uncontrollable and I was not the most pleasant person to be around. I was also extremely exhausted and was going to sleep every night at 7:30! The first ultrasound we went to where she actually looked like a tiny baby was so amazing. I couldn't stop myself from crying and getting emotional but, it still didn't really seem real to me. The first trimester was a blur and I went back and forth from being happy to actually second guessing our decision of having a child.
The second trimester was a lot different. I started to get my energy back and my hormones started to balance out a little more (thank heavens!). We found out we were having a little girl and then we were able to start calling her by her name: Harmony. That was about 14 weeks ago now but, it feels like eons ! Always talking about her, "When Harmony is here...." or "Harmony is going to love this..." etc.. the anticipation just grows and grows every day!
I started to notice that I was becoming more and more nurturing and maternal. When I started my journey I was just a 23 year old who fell in love and wanted to start a family but I still had the notion that I could party and hang with friends, still do what I wanted (to a certain extent!) As the months have gone by, I have given up most of my friends and all of my bad habits and I don't feel 23 anymore at all! At least, I don't relate to any 23 year old I know/knew.
My husband and I have grown so close that I couldn't imagine spending any time apart from him at all. He is now my best friend and the one I go to for ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. The bond that has grown between us because of Harmony is incomparable to anything I have ever felt with any man, or person for that matter. I now look at children in a different way and I look at myself in a different way. I want to be the best mom/wife/person I can be. I want to be a role model for my children and I want to be someone my husband can always turn to and count on. This personal growth is really amazing considering where I came from - self loathing and self destruction. I knew pregnancy would change my life but I didn't think I would truly become a woman over the course of just 8 months.
Now that I am in my third trimester and my pregnancy is coming to an end I feel I have come full circle. From going through periods of fear and uncertainty to being so excited and ready for this miracle, I feel SO grateful that I was given this opportunity to become who I was supposed to be. I feel lucky that my relationship with my husband has grown into what it has and that I have had him for support this entire time. I also feel anticipation and excitement to meet my little girl who I love so much already and to grow up even more and watch her grow as well.
I hear a lot of women say that they hate being pregnant, and I went through that same feeling for a while, but I just cant honestly say I feel that way when it has done so much for me! It hasn't been easy - it can be downright painful/uncomfortable most of the time - but I wouldn't feel so proud of myself if it were easy!

All mothers should love themselves for creating a miracle and being a serious ass kicker!!!

Lincoln

Chris and I went to see Lincoln on Sunday afternoon and I was so impressed with the entire movie. Not only was Daniel Day-Lewis outstanding (of course!), but it was truly entertaining and inspiring throughout. The costumes, the scenery, the acting...BRAVO! I felt it was appropriate that we saw it when we did since Martin Luther King Jr. Day was yesterday as well as Inauguration Day! Lincoln was such a great man, so much so that he was a legend before he even left this earth. I felt the movie did an outstanding job portraying how awe-inspiring he was and how powerful it must have been to even be in his presence. He was the kind of man that would do anything to accomplish what he felt was necessary and just. He wasn't afraid of public opinion or what may happen to him, he only cared about the rights of man and equality in this country. In the end of the film I was so saddened by his assassination. Even though I knew it was coming the entire time, I couldn't help but think of what America would be like if that wouldn't have happened and I was wishing so badly that it didn't.

Thinking about his tragic end and what it meant, Martin Luther King comes to mind. How terrible that these great men are taken from this world when they are only doing what is right. I think Obama is a perfect figure to be sworn in on this day because he also moves and inspires people and he is not afraid of what people may think about his views. I am proud that he is our president because he too wants to fight for the rights of all people (all races, homosexuals, women) and is not afraid to speak on his ideals. I will definitely be showing this movie to my children and I cant wait to teach them more about these motivational people in our history!

Hedwig Kiesler aka HEDY LAMARR

This woman is so inspiring and absolutely gorgeous. She is known mostly for her work as a movie star, but I just found out that she also is responsible for inventing the earliest forms of technology that lead to the WiFi and LTE we us today! Talk about beauty AND brains...